CATALYST

Sitting on the cold floor
Head up and try to drive thoughts
This is not what I wanted
This is not what it is

Look at the window, theres a blue sky
And see how big burden I was under
They say I’m too intense and aggresive
They say it’s wrong, scary, or even dangerous

My emotion meant to be incredibly in tune
Others might be unnerved around my edgy
Provoking both positive and uncomfortable feelings in others
They say I’m catalyst

Dad said my rebellious can be an instigator
Embrace my power some will be hurt by it, so I repress it
They say I’m to intense and out of control
Express my feeling some uncomfortable with it, so I’m hiding it

How different and weird I felt inside
Still struggle to come to terms with it
It’s hard to engage with my feelings
So I learned to lock my self away

Appear to be passive cause I’m hiding everything
I want to let out what I feel
Something inside keeps tellings me I not to
I affraid of feel anything
I affraid of becoming stranger to myself

Such current of energy just below the surface
Building strong defense mechanisms
Building walls to contain the sheer power
Creates extreme frustration and resentment

Dad said it’s okay to have them however unconventional they might be
Containing this amount of pressure makes me sick
But pretending I’m just like everyone else makes me alone and alienated

Dad said this situation trying to release my inner eccentric, making my inner uniqueness
But feels impossible for me to contain

My life works better when I own the fact I’m not like everyone else
My journey is about becoming my own unique self
And I’m trying to trust that is okay

Dad said, “if something doesn’t excite you thats a clear sign for you to move on”
“It’s not for you”

August 29th, 2020
— Worstaste